If you prefer to listen to this article, please click here.
“Who are you?” This question usually elicits simple answers such as giving the person your name. But who are you, really? Again, when posed with that question, we may start to list people we are connected to such as members of our family of origin, our spouse or significant other, children, or perhaps close friends. We might list what we do for work, where we volunteer, our church, our favorite place to hang out…you get the general idea. But do we really and truly know who we are? Do we know what makes us tick, and what brings peace?
If you are a believer in Christ like I am, you may be thinking,“Jocelyn, I am onto you. I am a child of God.”
While that is an excellent answer, that still isn’t the depth that I am looking for. No, what I want to know is, do you know who He created you to be? Even those who believe firmly that they are a child of God can feel lost in who they are beyond that. Many believers walk through life joyfully speaking about Jesus, serving at church, worshiping Him in song and action, doing fun things with friends, and having fun hobbies but are secretly lost inside. While they are doing things that really and truly bring them joy, they still don’t know a lot about themselves. I know, because this was me.
It’s something that we see a lot of in movies. The female protagonist goes through a devastating loss of some kind; a breakup, a loved one dies, she loses her job, becomes middle-aged, etc, and she goes on a trip halfway around the world to “find herself”. Crazy things usually happen along the way, and there is generally a meltdown where she screams about how her life wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. After her meltdown, the movie usually ends with a voice-over of the protagonist saying something along the lines of: “It turns out, I had to lose myself to find myself.”
You’ve seen this movie too, haven’t you? More than once. All your favorite actresses have probably played this role at least once…Mine have!
It’s a poor example of a legitimate experience that represents something we all experience worldwide. Every last one of us must “find ourselves” at some point or another. But what is the catalyst for such a discovery? We don’t all have some terrible experience that drives us to dig down deeply; throwing ourselves headlong into planning this elaborate journey across the world to figure out what makes us tick. Sure, some people do have the means and the drive to play out this fantasy, but most people just need to do this deep soul-searching in their regular, everyday lives. Honestly, it’s probably more effective when we do, anyway.
Growing up, I was a people pleaser. Bigtime. However, I was also a bit rebellious, because I knew part of what I wanted; and part of what I didn’t want. It was paradoxical, honestly. I felt like I had to be something and do the things that others wanted and expected of me, and yet, the part of me that I kept locking away would sometimes come out and speak her piece. Ok, she ran her mouth. A lot. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t do rebellious things like a lot of teens do. I was basically a goody-two-shoes. I may have been a hothead, but I also had a ton of common sense. I watched some of my peers get into stereotypical teenage troubles, and I knew that those choices just weren’t for me. I didn’t feel like I was inherently better than anyone else around me, but somehow the Lord had granted me clear enough thinking to look beyond those choices and see the potential detriments that they held. I simply decided that they weren’t worth the risk to me. I've never been a huge risk-taker, I guess. Unfortunately, a lot of adults in my family’s social circle, AKA the churches we attended, took notice of this and drew a lot of attention to me, which made me uncomfortable. From my childhood through my teen years, I was the “good girl” that they wanted to brag about, and this came with an unhealthy load of issues. I always felt the need to live up to their praise and tried to fit myself into the mold that nearly every adult in my life carefully crafted for me. It was very much a square-peg-round-hole kind of situation. Inside me was not some rebellious person who wanted to live sinfully, or lay the Bible aside, but someone who was never really allowed to learn who God had created her to be.
If you had asked me who I was, my answer would have sounded something like this:
I believe wholeheartedly in Jesus, and His sacrifice for me.
I love books and learning. Most of my favorite things are centered around history and literature.
I feel like I was born for a different era than the one I am currently in.
I love old music.
I am a hopeless romantic and hope to spend my life with a man who loves me more than anything else but God.
I am a writer, and being published is my lifelong dream.
I love to travel and want to see the world.
The beach and Disney are my favorite places on earth.
If you asked me the same question today, all of those things would still be part of my answer, but it took me years to understand the depth of my character; and to more thoroughly comprehend who I am and who I was created to be.
I grew up to get married to the man of my dreams–truly! He supports and challenges me in all the best ways, bringing out the best parts of me. Soon, we became parents, which opened up a whole new realm of fun, joy, and challenges for us both. But as I turned thirty, I realized that I was lost. I had lost myself in things that truly made me happy, but because I was busy doing wonderful things, I had never taken the time to learn about myself. What was I doing with my life? It felt like I was ignoring myself, even though I was happy.
Peeling away the layers of people-pleasing began slowly as I started to ask God to teach me to be myself. I started to care less about people potentially viewing me as a loudmouth and let myself be freer when it came to my volume and my sense of humor. I was letting out things that I had been told were not becoming of a lady, but were not actually unbecoming. I started to care less and less about fitting in because I had been born to stand out. Yes, sometimes euphemisms really do ring true! No, I did not dye my hair funky colors, or change my wardrobe. I love the natural color of my hair, and I’ve always loved wearing pants more than skirts, so nothing changed outwardly for me. Well, except that I got a few tattoos. Meaningful ones, mind you! It has been almost ten years since my first two, and I still love them today. No regerts. But most of my changes were noticeable in how I let others define me. I grew better at saying “no”. I began to care less what people thought about me because I had faith in my choices and actions. Honestly, I have never been one to make decisions rashly. I could start responding to people who tried to put me into boxes of their own design by saying something akin to, “Actually, that’s not like me at all, but thanks for thinking of me.”
No matter how old you get, or how secure you are in yourself, you will always have to keep well-meaning people from putting you into ill-fitting boxes. The more you learn about who God truly made you to be, the more fierce you become in your drive to protect it. You will probably find that you not only have to protect it from those who want you to fit into the box that you broke out of but against another design of the enemy: putting you into a box that you certainly don’t belong in. The enemy will do all kinds of things to keep us from living the wonderful life that God designed for us, and if he can’t limit us, then he will try to pull us in the opposite direction. He may try to lead you into activities or lifestyles that feel free but are prisons all on their own. When something doesn’t align with Scripture it pulls us away from our Father. Be on the lookout for things that look good, and sound good, but are in contradiction to the Word of God. There are simply no substitutes for the Bible and the Holy Spirit.
I have made many strides when it comes to knowing myself, but I also know that it is a lifelong journey. Almost a year ago, my husband and I made a huge leap of faith and relocated our family one thousand miles away from everything they have ever known. While it was a scary process with so many unknowns, we knew that we were making the right choice. I can tell you now with 100% certainty, that it has brought so much growth and joy to all of us! Just like the same movies I mentioned earlier portray, sometimes a shake-up is a great catalyst! But we can’t rely on that shake-up to get things started. It starts in our hearts.
So who am I? You may be wondering this after so much rambling on my part.
All of those previous statements made so many paragraphs ago are still true! I still love all of those things and feel that way, but now they have so much more scope. I understand myself more deeply, allowing me to express myself with more confidence and joy than ever before. I can more easily set and enforce boundaries that keep me emotionally healthy. I can do and partake in fulfilling pastimes without feeling like I need to do something else to please others or live up to their standards. All of this is because God is in everything and because He made each of us a very specific place in this world. When I walk along the beach, bending to do the “Sanibel stoop”, when I dance for joy in His presence during praise and worship, when I feel the saltwater breeze in my face and hear the wind through the palm trees, when I marvel at His hand guiding my children to their destinies, growing in who He made them to be…that’s when I sigh with contentment because I am who He made me to be. And now, more than ever, I look at the girl in the mirror with unruly, windswept hair and I know who she is. And she is right where she belongs.
Comentarios